It was a pleasant, though not particularly warm summer day in the UK, when I decided it wasn’t working out with my ego. Sitting in the shade of an elm tree in my neighborhood park, I was submerged in my first ever personal development book, kindly loaned to me by a rugby teammate during my moment of distress, having just retired, forcibly, and somewhat prematurely, due to a serious spinal injury.
The sudden loss of identity, career uncertainty, and fear of the lack of financial security, caused an anxiety that compelled my compadre to insist that I immediately read his copy of The Power Of Now, mostly to help me learn how to practice living more in the present moment. But as I devoured each page with the enthusiasm of a child thumbing through their favorite comic book, what emerged as particularly captivating, was the way the ego was defined, and its destructive nature, explained wonderfully by the author Eckhart Tolle.
Until that moment, I had only really thought of the ego in the context of “arrogance” or “cockiness”, almost always using it in sentences with the adjective “big” to describe it. Having the ego presented to me as a construct that my mind has created, to help make sense of the physical world around me, blew my mind.
Prior to this revelation, I believed that I had a relatively small ego, because I rarely bragged about my accomplishments, or dropped names of important people to seem more important myself. I was enthralled by the notion that ego was also responsible for my fear of rejection. Or my perfectionism. Or my people pleasing tendencies, my desire to control situations, and my reluctance to take risks. By this definition, I actually had an extremely big ego! The more I learned about my ego, the more I realized I was a prisoner to it. Equipped with this newfound self-awareness, I was now determined to pave the way to freedom from the mental and emotional suffering caused by my ego.
The Breakup
The first step to breaking up with my ego was understanding that we were actually two separate entities, followed by admitting that our relationship was toxic. Eckhart Tolle explains that when our thoughts and behaviors are counterintuitive to our desired outcome, it is in fact our ego sabotaging us, and therefore, we must become the observer of those damaging thoughts, so that we can respond or act authentically, in alignment with our ideal life.
Similarly, in his book The Untethered Soul, author Michael Singer refers to this version of the ego as our “inner roommate”, who likes to chatter incessantly, in constant judgment of ourselves and the world around us. Becoming the ‘witness’ to this chatter by simply pausing, sitting back and listening, helps us respond or act from our true heart’s desire.
Another absorbing book that depicts this dichotomy of ego vs self, is The Second Mountain by David Brooks, where he refers to the first mountain in our life that we metaphorically climb, as an ego driven endeavor of self-interest, whereby we mostly pursue social status, material wealth, and superficial, hedonistic pleasures. Then there is often a descent from this mountain into ‘the valley’, symbolized by a life event that Brooks describes as our “annunciation moment”, that turns us toward climbing a second mountain, this time no longer fueled by self-importance, but rather to abandon the ego and serve others, in search of meaning, purpose and fulfillment.
For example, as mentioned earlier, my annunciation moment was a life threatening, career ending injury that forced me into ‘the valley’ represented by an identity crisis, before shifting to a passionate pursuit of self-awareness.
Just like any toxic relationship, mine with my ego was preventing me from being the man I desired to be, and the life I truly wanted to live. Even in toxic relationships, there is comfort in the familiarity, underpinned by fear of the resulting uncertainty by leaving. So the next step, while not easy, is to prioritize the pain of staying in the relationship, over the pain of leaving it, by removing ourselves from it. This will liberate us from the suffering it continues to cause.
Checking in with our values by writing a “to be” list is an effective way to prevent us from falling back into relationship with our ego. This is simply listing the characteristics of the person we want to consistently show up as in life, such as “kind”, “courageous”, or “present”.
Similar to that pesky ex who always seems to find a way back into our lives, the ego will also emerge from time to time, sucking us back into those familiar pre-breakup patterns. It can even infiltrate our “to be” list, having us choose characteristics that they want us to be, such as “a millionaire”, “admired by others”, or even “have power over others”.
Noticing when we are allowing the ego to cause us to think and act out of alignment with our values, then standing our ground is key. Philosopher and best-selling author Wayne Dyer’s definition of ego can also be useful in these instances.
He describes the ego as a fictional mental construct, that operates under the following 6 beliefs:
1) “I am what I have”
2) “I am what I do”
3) “I am what others think of me”
4) “I am separate from others”
5) “I am separate to what’s missing in my life”
6) “I am separate from God”
On a moment-to-moment basis, most humans are thinking and acting according to one, or a combination of the above beliefs. This can be demonstrated perfectly by our use of social media platforms. For example, we tend to compare ourselves to others, believing they have a better career than us, which is derived from numbers 4) and 2) above. Posting a picture of our new expensive watch or car, in the hopes of receiving likes and flattering comments from others, shows intention based on numbers 1) and 3). Both examples reflect the sneaky work of our ego wanting to survive, thereby keeping the relationship with us alive.
Do you find yourself often focused on what’s missing in your life, without realizing you actually have everything you need to survive and be happy? That’s your ego operating under belief number 5).
Preventing ourselves from believing number 6) becomes a little more advanced, requiring us to operate on a more spiritual level, by acknowledging that humans are all part of the same energy and particles that make up the world around us, while the higher power that created us, exists within us, rather than outside of us.
Once we have reached a level of self-awareness that allows us to see how our thoughts and actions are often dictated by ego, we mustn’t be hard on ourselves for doing so. Nor is it realistic to think we can reverse years of programming to completely rid ourselves of the ego. Rather, it is important to achieve balance, understanding the dangers of too much egocentric behaviors. We can easily become attached to the identities that the ego creates. What if our house burns down? Or if our expensive possessions break or get stolen? What if the status we derive from our career disappears when we retire, or get fired? Or if our Instagram account gets hacked, and we need to start a new one from zero followers? If we define ourselves by any of these metrics, that are ultimately out of our control, we run the risk of suffering the potentially devastating mental and emotional consequences of losing such things.
For me, the life experience I want requires balance. This means allowing myself the pleasure obtained from ego-based living without judgment, while also building self worth without relying on outside validation. Also, by serving others, I will avoid the pitfalls that come with only indulging in serving myself. And life just feels so much sweeter when I put as much energy into checking off my to “to be list” as my “to do list”.
So what’s next? Allow me to summarize while providing you with a step by step guide to freeing yourself from the control of your ego, in order to start living the life that was meant for you.
Catch It
Notice when your thoughts and actions are ego driven. It will normally show up when you have negative feelings such as frustration, jealousy, embarrassment, anxiousness etc. Check in with your intentions for the choice you made or are about to make. Did you post on Social Media because you want others to praise you? Are you continuing the unnecessary argument with your partner because you just need to be right? Are you going to stay silent in the meeting because you are worried that others will think your brilliant idea is stupid? Ego, ego, ego!
Observe It
Separate yourself from your ego by acknowledging it is not the real you thinking or acting this way. Ask yourself why your ego hijacked you. What is it wanting to gain from the outcome? It could even help to name your ego for extra separation, as if it is a different person. I suggest giving it a fun nickname to keep the situation light, while helping you practice compassion for your ego, as you would want to for any human that feels threatened and scared. I call my ego “Angus”, after the first bully I had in elementary school. While bullies often cause us pain and suffering, it is usually because they are in pain themselves, and desperate to be loved and feel in control. It helps even more to have compassion for my bully ego, while also diminishing his power by calling him “Gussy”.
Break up with It
Even though it may sometimes feel like it, your ego doesn’t serve you, and it’s time to figuratively end the toxic relationship, get your power back, and start making choices that align with the person you desire to be, and the life you desire to experience.
Forgive It
Your ego was never trying to intentionally hurt you. It was simply trying to find its place in the World and stay alive by feeling special and important. And don’t be mad at it for wanting to keep coming back into your life, craving the same relationship as before. Afterall, you were together for so many years, and at times both of you even felt like the same person. You’ve learned so many lessons from your relationship with your ego, and now it is time to use those lessons to make the most of your newfound freedom, with the limited, precious time you have left.